Monday, August 29, 2005

Where is My Exit??

The days seem more difficult now. Any of you who are still frequenting my blog or checking your blogroll for indication that I've posted... I'm sorry for any scare I might have caused. It's not my intent to leave people hanging, and as a friend back home pointed out to me -- for some of my blog readers, posts are the only means you have of knowing I'm still okay. I have a number of topics that have rolled through my mind but haven't made it to print. I'll try to cover most of them over the next couple posts...
I got SOOOO fired up in a phone conversation with my Mom last week about accomplishing this next personal/professional goal of mine. I'm trying to get off my butt and actually research programs and apply for entrance to graduate school in time to attend Fall 2006. Ha. I'm intimidated, and I haven't even started contacting references yet! I'm saying all of this here in order to make myself publicly accountable for following through. I need this. I want this. I want it so bad I can taste it.
Family seems to go in and out of concern that I will experience "success" strongly enough while on active Army status to want to stay with it. Success in my job here has more or less been established. As a junior officer, there are an inordinate number of influencing exchanges directly between me (and my staff) and the decision makers and ranking commanders on the base. I don't think I believe in this war. I can see the "battles" and often make sense of the many many "little" things -- infrastructural improvements (repairing what has been broken over the last 10-15 years), civil affairs interactions with the people, health care for many who didn't have it before, and warm moments between service members and the Iraqi people. Let me be clear: none of this will change my mind about finishing my time in the Army when I'm done here. It is my intent to resign my commission as soon as possible after returning home from deployment. I have reached everything I ever intended to accomplish with the National Guard and more.
This is completion with honor, regardless of setbacks and surprises along the way. I have served the contract I signed, served my indenture. I don't intend to quit (in heart and mind -- actually leaving is not an option) before the deployment is over, but that is where some of my struggle lies. I'm struggling to keep heart and passion invested in the things I do -- because that is how I have grown to want to live my life -- when the things I do right now involve fighting this war. And ironically, my job actually does affect the safety of the place I'm in.... so I feel compelled to keep investing my all, if for no reason other than my own safety and survival.
I am in no crisis. I'm feeling a strain against my nature, against my heart -- but I know I have the strength to learn valuable lessons here, soak in another year of my life (because it passes whether I'm "invested" or not), and keep my eyes on the finish line.
Coming home when I can.... -Sentinel47


At 8/30/2005 7:38 AM, Blogger Mary Godwin said...

And if you've not your grip on the lifeline from there, you can know good and straight that I'm pulling on my end. In the meantime, however, that same heart that yearns for home and the things that you plan for your future is the heart that demands your integrity in doing your job, keeping your people safe, and caring about the young people for whom you have become so important. It's a strange thing to hear about a war where you have to "get off you butt" and start researching graduate schools ... the images conflict and even from here it is wearing to move in the swirl. Give yourself the room to know that it feels as difficult as it feels because it is that difficult to carry on with your humanity in the throes of war. Keep your eye on the ball ... get the sleep you need when you can (too important to neglect), and remember ... I've gotcha, Baby! -mom

At 8/30/2005 7:58 AM, Blogger bdg said...

You have always been a person of high integrity, not ot mention high intelligence. Life can (and has) throw you lots of curves that make doing the "right" thing a very confusing practice to sort out. You have the intelligence to sort it out, but it takes work where there seems to be no time and where other factors may tell you it's not worth it. I can hear you doing the work and practicing integrity. I can also hear you wanting to move on. That is a good thing and one for which you were made...moving on to greater challenges and new developments in your life. We so look forward to you here, moving on with us close by. We are also very proud of who you are and of what you are doing there. Never be ashamed of either. Be strong, be safe and be ready to come home the moment they say go!


Post a Comment

<< Home