Where is My Exit??
The days seem more difficult now. Any of you who are still frequenting my blog or checking your blogroll for indication that I've posted... I'm sorry for any scare I might have caused. It's not my intent to leave people hanging, and as a friend back home pointed out to me -- for some of my blog readers, posts are the only means you have of knowing I'm still okay. I have a number of topics that have rolled through my mind but haven't made it to print. I'll try to cover most of them over the next couple posts...
I got SOOOO fired up in a phone conversation with my Mom last week about accomplishing this next personal/professional goal of mine. I'm trying to get off my butt and actually research programs and apply for entrance to graduate school in time to attend Fall 2006. Ha. I'm intimidated, and I haven't even started contacting references yet! I'm saying all of this here in order to make myself publicly accountable for following through. I need this. I want this. I want it so bad I can taste it.
Family seems to go in and out of concern that I will experience "success" strongly enough while on active Army status to want to stay with it. Success in my job here has more or less been established. As a junior officer, there are an inordinate number of influencing exchanges directly between me (and my staff) and the decision makers and ranking commanders on the base. I don't think I believe in this war. I can see the "battles" and often make sense of the many many "little" things -- infrastructural improvements (repairing what has been broken over the last 10-15 years), civil affairs interactions with the people, health care for many who didn't have it before, and warm moments between service members and the Iraqi people. Let me be clear: none of this will change my mind about finishing my time in the Army when I'm done here. It is my intent to resign my commission as soon as possible after returning home from deployment. I have reached everything I ever intended to accomplish with the National Guard and more.
This is completion with honor, regardless of setbacks and surprises along the way. I have served the contract I signed, served my indenture. I don't intend to quit (in heart and mind -- actually leaving is not an option) before the deployment is over, but that is where some of my struggle lies. I'm struggling to keep heart and passion invested in the things I do -- because that is how I have grown to want to live my life -- when the things I do right now involve fighting this war. And ironically, my job actually does affect the safety of the place I'm in.... so I feel compelled to keep investing my all, if for no reason other than my own safety and survival.
I am in no crisis. I'm feeling a strain against my nature, against my heart -- but I know I have the strength to learn valuable lessons here, soak in another year of my life (because it passes whether I'm "invested" or not), and keep my eyes on the finish line.
Coming home when I can.... -Sentinel47